lessons

It’s been one week since Mirei was born, but it’s felt much longer! While this is our second child, it’s been three years since we had a newborn and there are so many things that we’d forgotten and have to relearn, along with plenty of new challenges and experiences as well. Here are some things I’ve learned or discovered from our first week as parents of two…

I have to resist the urge to compare every little thing I observe about Mirei to my experiences and memories of Mio when she was a newborn. In the delivery room, right after I’d given birth to Mirei, I was already pointing out to Dan all her similarities to Mio (she weighed only an ounce more and measured a half inch shorter than her older sister, they were both born in the 9 o’clock hour on Saturday mornings, they were both born approximately a week ahead of their due date, and on and on and on…). I suppose it’s a natural inclination as a parent who’s up until recently only had one child, since that first child is the sole frame of reference I have regarding babyhood and parenting, so in a way it can’t be helped… but I have to remember that Mirei is a completely different and separate individual from Mio and of course they’ll have differences (as well as similarities). As one who clings to the familiar and known experiences, I tend to panic or freak out a little when I’m confronted with something new, but just because a secondborn isn’t doing the same things as my firstborn isn’t necessarily cause for concern or alarm.

While active labor the second time around is often shorter than the first, the same may not be true for postpartum recovery. With my first time, I think that by two days after delivery when I was home from the hospital, I felt like I was about 80% recovered physically. Sure, I definitely still had the postpartum pains and swelling in the nether regions typical of a vaginal delivery, but I generally felt fine being up and about to take trips to the pediatrician (Mio had jaundice so we had to go back to get it checked a few days in a row) and running local errands in that first week as a new mother without the help of painkillers. Both my mom and mother-in-law expressed surprise and concern that I was already so active — they attributed it to my age (28 at the time), but mostly I think I just felt renewed energy after all the weight and nausea of my pregnancy was gone. This time around, though, I feel like recovery is a bit of a slower process that will take more patience. INOVA Fair Oaks Hospital often encourages patients with vaginal deliveries to stay until 48 hours after delivery to recover, but thinking that that was too long, we convinced our doctor and nurses that we were ready to go home early, on the afternoon of the following day (about 30 hours after delivery). I think I was a little overconfident and walked up and down the stairs a little too much upon coming home, because my abdominal and perineal pain was noticeably worse rather than better the next day. Even now, at a week postpartum, it hurts for me to walk around the house or bend over to pick up things, and little things like coughing, sitting up, or leaning forward set off aches in the abdomen. I don’t know if I should attribute the longer recovery time to the fact that I’m three years older than I was last time, to the nature of my labor, or to having an energetic toddler thrown into the mix… probably all of the above. It sucks, but there’s not much I can do about it except listen to my body, not push myself too much, and try to get enough rest so that I can hopefully feel more like myself soon.

I also learned that the uterine after pains with second/subsequent babies can be a heck of a lot more painful than they were with the first baby. It’s attributed to the fact that first-time mothers have better uterine muscle tone, so the uterus tends to contract and stay contracted, rather than intermittently relaxing and then contracting again. With every subsequent delivery, however, the uterus has to work harder to shrink and recover, and the uterine cramping that occurs can be much more pronounced and uncomfortable. I don’t even remember having any afterpains after Mio’s delivery, but this time around, I found some of the afterpains be as painful as labor contractions. Especially when nursing Mirei, when the body naturally clamps down with the release of oxytocin, I was in a world of hurt. After having suffered a week of on-and-off prodromal labor contractions, I almost screamed when I first felt the first of several strong afterpains which felt very comparable to contractions, horrified that I was somehow going into labor again even after the baby was out. Usually the afterpains are only really bad for the first 48 hours after delivery, and ibuprofen is supposed to relieve much of the pain, but I found that even with the Motrin, I was doubling over from much of the cramping while feeding Mirei for about four or five days. It’s finally gotten better and I barely feel any afterpains now, so I’m thankful that I have one less area of pain to worry about!

Some have asked about how Mio is handling the transition of becoming a big sister and having a new baby in the house. Mio hadn’t been able to visit us at the hospital as we’d hoped, because it’s currently flu season and the hospital’s visitation rules were tightened to restrict any children, even siblings of newborns, from visiting. (This was one of the reasons we asked to get discharged early, so that we could come home to be with Mio.) She took our initial homecoming a lot better than I’d expected, and was really excited to see Mirei and was very sweet and gentle in her curiosity towards her new sister. However, over the course of the week, Mio’s definitely noticed that much of our attention and time has going towards caring for Mirei, and I can sense that she is feeling anxious and emotionally unstable about this new family dynamic. She’s been really mercurial in her moods, very sensitive and crying easily at the smallest thing, and has been doing irrational things just to get attention like shutting herself in the closet and getting stuck in places where she needs to get “rescued” at the most inconvenient times, like when I’m nursing Mirei and consequently immobile. There was a point a couple days after we came home when we asked her if she liked Mirei, and she (without much hesitation) responded “No,” much to our dismay. (At least she’s honest?) Mio does still have her sweet moments where she wants to kiss Mirei good night or stroke her head, or try to give her her pacifier, so she is making an effort to be a good big sister and we’re proud of her for that. We’re just thankful that she hasn’t lashed out at her baby sister and has generally been amiable in her direct interactions with her. I remember a seasoned mother of three kids had given me the advice, “If you’re ever faced with having to give more attention to one child than the other, always choose to give it to the older child instead of the new baby, because while the baby won’t be able to remember, the older child is already feeling very anxious and uprooted.” We, especially Dan, have been trying to give Mio as much attention as possible while still taking care of Mirei’s needs, so hopefully her moods will stabilize soon. We’ve found that showing her how Mirei needs to be cared for, and trying to involve her in helping (such as bringing over diapers, wipes, burp cloths, etc.) keeps her interest in the baby and makes her feel more involved, and hopefully helps her feel more important.

Finally, I’d already witnessed how wonderful of a father Dan has grown into when Mio came into our lives, but the arrival of Mirei has only reaffirmed how lucky our girls are to have him as a father and I am to call him my husband. He was such a great support for me during labor, both during the early stages and in the active phase, staying up with me, always encouraging me and doing his best to distract me in conversation during contractions to take my mind off of the pain. While with Mio, I think there was an initial shock factor for Dan to get overcome after he saw her come into the world and it took him a day or so for the realization that he was now a father to sink in (as I think there is for most men), this time around he jumped right in and was doting Daddy from the moment Mirei was born! (In fact, I think this time around, it actually took me a little longer than him to get past the stage of disbelief that she was finally here.) In the delivery room, he couldn’t stop talking about how adorable she was and kept wanting to hold her even when we were taking our breakfast. He changed all the diapers while we were in the recovery room, held her when she cried at night (except of course when she had to nurse), and took every measure he could to make sure I didn’t have to do as much so that I could focus on resting and recovering. On the evening of the day Mirei was born, after making sure both she and I would be okay for a couple hours, Dan drove home to spend that time with Mio (though my mother and sister were taking care of her) to make sure she didn’t feel abandoned and that she wouldn’t have to miss her usual bedtime routine of reading and getting tucked in by Daddy. He then returned to the hospital so that he could be there for our first night with Mirei, in which we of course got reacquainted with middle-of-the-night feedings and diaper changes. He took two full days off of work at the beginning of the week, and partial days for the rest of the the workdays, so that he could be at home to drop off and pick up Mio from preschool and keep her entertained while I was still recovering and caring for Mirei. He’s cooked us meals and has gladly taken over any chores or duties that he’s capable of so that I can take that time to rest instead. I know that he must be really exhausted too from adjusting to life with two children and the sleep deprivation that accompanies the arrival of a newborn, but he does it all without complaint and makes my condition and our daughters’ care and happiness his number one priority. I’m so grateful for him and all his support and proactiveness during this time, and I honestly would not have survived this first week without him. I’m so deeply moved by how much he loves and gives everything for myself and our girls.

I still have yet to recover completely and find myself feeling pretty overwhelmed most days, but I do feel like we are slowly getting the gist of life as a family of four and learning important lessons along the way. It’s definitely a big transition, but I’m excited for the weeks, months, and years ahead, and can’t wait to see how our family will evolve and blossom with the addition of Mirei. As ever, we’re thankful for all of the love, support, guidance, and good vibes that have been sent our way during this time.