Today I wrap up my last week as a stay-at-home mom. I feel fortunate to have been one, and I will always look back on and cherish these three years that I was able to spend at home with my young daughters. I’m thankful that I had the opportunity to freelance, which granted me the flexibility to create and adjust my own hours so that I could spend more time with them. I will remember with fondness the slow-paced days we spent together. Cuddling and sleeping in. Long afternoons spent at the parks. The moments on the swing set when I would watch them swoop back and forth and realize that someday these afternoons will have seemed to have flown past in a blink of an eye… and I would pause mid-push to savor the experience while it lasted.
This past week, I’ve felt a sense of mourning and have cried many tears as I bring this chapter of my life to a close. It feels like I’m saying goodbye to my girls, even though I’ll still see them every day, but just for much less hours. But I made the decision to go back into the workforce full-time for my career, sanity, and better financial security as a family. I’m not really well-suited to be a stay-at-home-parent, and while I probably realized that a long time ago, it took me a few years to be able to admit it and be at peace with it. I so wanted to be the super SAHM that could fill their kids’ days with fun activities, playdates, learning and lessons, and be able to relish and love every second of it. I certainly made the effort, and there were plenty of times that I loved being able to spend so much time with them and watch them grow. But there have always been worries and doubts plaguing the back of my head, as well as a longing to have more time to focus and dedicate to myself and career. Perhaps someday, I will be able to find a better balance so that I can still enjoy more time with our daughters as they grow, but for now I will hope they get a lot of social interaction at their daycare and make more of an effort to be present, patient, and appreciative of the time I spend with them on the evenings and on weekends. They grow up so fast and time passes by so quickly, whether I am at home with them or working, so I just have to do my best to cherish every minute.
I’ll close this week with some photos and videos I took of the girls when I took them to the park this week…
Mio says she’s “over the rainbow”
seesaw buddies!
Mirei on the playground. She can climb up the steps and go almost everywhere Mio goes!
On the swingset at Borge Street Park:
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Mulch-loving Mirei!
Mirei climbing the playground:
Mio playing picnic with her dolls
She loves her Beanie babies!
Lining up her Hello Kitties and Ollie the octopus
She has grown up so much in the three years I’ve spent at home with her.
Showing me a grownup smile 🙂
I’m experiencing the gamut of mixed emotions right now, but I’m excited to start my new job on Monday and am hoping for a smooth transition for all of us.
I read an article a while back about parenting, and there was a particular passage in it that has stuck with me even months after reading it. It said, “My children are not truly mine. They don’t belong to me; they’ve simply been entrusted to me. They are a gift life gave to me, but one that I must one day give back to life. They must grow up and go away and that is as it should be.” As much as I know this to be true, I always feel a deep pain in my chest and a big lump in my throat every time I recall the quote. Though it may be years away, it’s hard to imagine someday not seeing my little girls every day, especially Mio (at this time) since I’ve already spent three years making so many memories with her. When I feel that pain, I often find myself picking up the camera and just endlessly snapping away, so that I can document and capture every little expression of hers… so that I can look back on it years later when this time is long gone and my memory fails to recall them clearly. Parenting is such a daunting and challenging task sometimes and I constantly find myself wondering about what the future holds, but I want to more fully appreciate and savor the present.
Anyway, here are some photos from one of such afternoons that I found myself continuously clicking the shutter while watching Mio play. She is at such a sweet and fun age right now.
While you may not be mine to keep, I will love you always.
It’s been one week since Mirei was born, but it’s felt much longer! While this is our second child, it’s been three years since we had a newborn and there are so many things that we’d forgotten and have to relearn, along with plenty of new challenges and experiences as well. Here are some things I’ve learned or discovered from our first week as parents of two…
I have to resist the urge to compare every little thing I observe about Mirei to my experiences and memories of Mio when she was a newborn. In the delivery room, right after I’d given birth to Mirei, I was already pointing out to Dan all her similarities to Mio (she weighed only an ounce more and measured a half inch shorter than her older sister, they were both born in the 9 o’clock hour on Saturday mornings, they were both born approximately a week ahead of their due date, and on and on and on…). I suppose it’s a natural inclination as a parent who’s up until recently only had one child, since that first child is the sole frame of reference I have regarding babyhood and parenting, so in a way it can’t be helped… but I have to remember that Mirei is a completely different and separate individual from Mio and of course they’ll have differences (as well as similarities). As one who clings to the familiar and known experiences, I tend to panic or freak out a little when I’m confronted with something new, but just because a secondborn isn’t doing the same things as my firstborn isn’t necessarily cause for concern or alarm.
While active labor the second time around is often shorter than the first, the same may not be true for postpartum recovery. With my first time, I think that by two days after delivery when I was home from the hospital, I felt like I was about 80% recovered physically. Sure, I definitely still had the postpartum pains and swelling in the nether regions typical of a vaginal delivery, but I generally felt fine being up and about to take trips to the pediatrician (Mio had jaundice so we had to go back to get it checked a few days in a row) and running local errands in that first week as a new mother without the help of painkillers. Both my mom and mother-in-law expressed surprise and concern that I was already so active — they attributed it to my age (28 at the time), but mostly I think I just felt renewed energy after all the weight and nausea of my pregnancy was gone. This time around, though, I feel like recovery is a bit of a slower process that will take more patience. INOVA Fair Oaks Hospital often encourages patients with vaginal deliveries to stay until 48 hours after delivery to recover, but thinking that that was too long, we convinced our doctor and nurses that we were ready to go home early, on the afternoon of the following day (about 30 hours after delivery). I think I was a little overconfident and walked up and down the stairs a little too much upon coming home, because my abdominal and perineal pain was noticeably worse rather than better the next day. Even now, at a week postpartum, it hurts for me to walk around the house or bend over to pick up things, and little things like coughing, sitting up, or leaning forward set off aches in the abdomen. I don’t know if I should attribute the longer recovery time to the fact that I’m three years older than I was last time, to the nature of my labor, or to having an energetic toddler thrown into the mix… probably all of the above. It sucks, but there’s not much I can do about it except listen to my body, not push myself too much, and try to get enough rest so that I can hopefully feel more like myself soon.
I also learned that the uterine after pains with second/subsequent babies can be a heck of a lot more painful than they were with the first baby. It’s attributed to the fact that first-time mothers have better uterine muscle tone, so the uterus tends to contract and stay contracted, rather than intermittently relaxing and then contracting again. With every subsequent delivery, however, the uterus has to work harder to shrink and recover, and the uterine cramping that occurs can be much more pronounced and uncomfortable. I don’t even remember having any afterpains after Mio’s delivery, but this time around, I found some of the afterpains be as painful as labor contractions. Especially when nursing Mirei, when the body naturally clamps down with the release of oxytocin, I was in a world of hurt. After having suffered a week of on-and-off prodromal labor contractions, I almost screamed when I first felt the first of several strong afterpains which felt very comparable to contractions, horrified that I was somehow going into labor again even after the baby was out. Usually the afterpains are only really bad for the first 48 hours after delivery, and ibuprofen is supposed to relieve much of the pain, but I found that even with the Motrin, I was doubling over from much of the cramping while feeding Mirei for about four or five days. It’s finally gotten better and I barely feel any afterpains now, so I’m thankful that I have one less area of pain to worry about!
Some have asked about how Mio is handling the transition of becoming a big sister and having a new baby in the house. Mio hadn’t been able to visit us at the hospital as we’d hoped, because it’s currently flu season and the hospital’s visitation rules were tightened to restrict any children, even siblings of newborns, from visiting. (This was one of the reasons we asked to get discharged early, so that we could come home to be with Mio.) She took our initial homecoming a lot better than I’d expected, and was really excited to see Mirei and was very sweet and gentle in her curiosity towards her new sister. However, over the course of the week, Mio’s definitely noticed that much of our attention and time has going towards caring for Mirei, and I can sense that she is feeling anxious and emotionally unstable about this new family dynamic. She’s been really mercurial in her moods, very sensitive and crying easily at the smallest thing, and has been doing irrational things just to get attention like shutting herself in the closet and getting stuck in places where she needs to get “rescued” at the most inconvenient times, like when I’m nursing Mirei and consequently immobile. There was a point a couple days after we came home when we asked her if she liked Mirei, and she (without much hesitation) responded “No,” much to our dismay. (At least she’s honest?) Mio does still have her sweet moments where she wants to kiss Mirei good night or stroke her head, or try to give her her pacifier, so she is making an effort to be a good big sister and we’re proud of her for that. We’re just thankful that she hasn’t lashed out at her baby sister and has generally been amiable in her direct interactions with her. I remember a seasoned mother of three kids had given me the advice, “If you’re ever faced with having to give more attention to one child than the other, always choose to give it to the older child instead of the new baby, because while the baby won’t be able to remember, the older child is already feeling very anxious and uprooted.” We, especially Dan, have been trying to give Mio as much attention as possible while still taking care of Mirei’s needs, so hopefully her moods will stabilize soon. We’ve found that showing her how Mirei needs to be cared for, and trying to involve her in helping (such as bringing over diapers, wipes, burp cloths, etc.) keeps her interest in the baby and makes her feel more involved, and hopefully helps her feel more important.
Finally, I’d already witnessed how wonderful of a father Dan has grown into when Mio came into our lives, but the arrival of Mirei has only reaffirmed how lucky our girls are to have him as a father and I am to call him my husband. He was such a great support for me during labor, both during the early stages and in the active phase, staying up with me, always encouraging me and doing his best to distract me in conversation during contractions to take my mind off of the pain. While with Mio, I think there was an initial shock factor for Dan to get overcome after he saw her come into the world and it took him a day or so for the realization that he was now a father to sink in (as I think there is for most men), this time around he jumped right in and was doting Daddy from the moment Mirei was born! (In fact, I think this time around, it actually took me a little longer than him to get past the stage of disbelief that she was finally here.) In the delivery room, he couldn’t stop talking about how adorable she was and kept wanting to hold her even when we were taking our breakfast. He changed all the diapers while we were in the recovery room, held her when she cried at night (except of course when she had to nurse), and took every measure he could to make sure I didn’t have to do as much so that I could focus on resting and recovering. On the evening of the day Mirei was born, after making sure both she and I would be okay for a couple hours, Dan drove home to spend that time with Mio (though my mother and sister were taking care of her) to make sure she didn’t feel abandoned and that she wouldn’t have to miss her usual bedtime routine of reading and getting tucked in by Daddy. He then returned to the hospital so that he could be there for our first night with Mirei, in which we of course got reacquainted with middle-of-the-night feedings and diaper changes. He took two full days off of work at the beginning of the week, and partial days for the rest of the the workdays, so that he could be at home to drop off and pick up Mio from preschool and keep her entertained while I was still recovering and caring for Mirei. He’s cooked us meals and has gladly taken over any chores or duties that he’s capable of so that I can take that time to rest instead. I know that he must be really exhausted too from adjusting to life with two children and the sleep deprivation that accompanies the arrival of a newborn, but he does it all without complaint and makes my condition and our daughters’ care and happiness his number one priority. I’m so grateful for him and all his support and proactiveness during this time, and I honestly would not have survived this first week without him. I’m so deeply moved by how much he loves and gives everything for myself and our girls.
I still have yet to recover completely and find myself feeling pretty overwhelmed most days, but I do feel like we are slowly getting the gist of life as a family of four and learning important lessons along the way. It’s definitely a big transition, but I’m excited for the weeks, months, and years ahead, and can’t wait to see how our family will evolve and blossom with the addition of Mirei. As ever, we’re thankful for all of the love, support, guidance, and good vibes that have been sent our way during this time.
Our long-awaited baby girl is finally here! We’d like to officially introduce the latest addition to our family, Mirei Mirabelle Allen. She was born on Saturday, January 25, 2014 at exactly 9:00am, weighing a healthy 7 lbs 14 oz and measuring 20.5 inches long. We’re already in love!
We’ve been home from the hospital since Sunday afternoon, but have been taking some time to recover and adjust to our new family of four. It’s been difficult to find any time to update the blog (or have any free personal time for that matter) between taking care of a newborn, almost-3-year-old toddler, and my postpartum self, but I did want to pen down Mirei’s birth story details before they got too foggy in my ever-worsening mommy-brain, as well as share about the meaning behind her name since many have asked. As with Mio’s birth story, I can be quite wordy, so I commend you if you get through reading this entire post! These are really more for my own personal documentation, so that I can look back and remember my birth experiences for each of children.
Mirei’s Birth Story
Though Mirei was born on last Saturday morning, I’m going to backtrack to a few nights prior to that to give a full account of my labor experience with her. As I’d mentioned in my last blog post, I was stuck in prodromal labor mode since the previous Friday, when I’d started experiencing contractions on and off for a few days, but Friday had been the most consistent and they had gotten very irregular and scattered the following days. It was not until late Wednesday night (the 22nd) that the contractions came back in what seemed like full force. They kept me up into the early morning hours of Thursday, at which point they were between 3 to 5 minutes apart for three hours and were getting stronger in intensity. I called my OB and she told me to come into the hospital to get checked out. Dan drove me over at around 6am, and we waited in triage as my contractions were now consistently 3 minutes apart. When the nurse checked my cervix, however, I was only 1 cm dilated and 80% effaced. My OB came in and told me that she suspected that I was in early labor, but that it would probably take a while longer as I was only 1 cm and I was still able to talk through my contractions, which showed that they weren’t painful enough to be considered active labor. She said that I had the option to walk around the hospital, but that if we were hoping for a natural birth, she advised that we go home and labor at home until I made more progress because there was no way of knowing how long it would take. She did tell me that she was fairly sure I’d be back later in the day, but that it would just take several more hours for me to go into active labor. Needless to say, I was pretty disappointed, but I didn’t feel as crushed as when I had been sent home from the hospital while in labor with Mio. I knew in the back of my head that being sent home was very much a possibility after having had it happen with Mio, as well as from my experience on Friday night when my contractions seemed very real and consistent but only ended up fizzling out after five hours. Sure enough, after we returned home, my contractions eventually grew further and further apart and then completely stopped around noon on Thursday. I was frustrated but I just tried to get as much rest as I could the rest of the day, because there was no telling when the contractions could start up again.
At around 8am on Friday morning (the 24th), the contractions were back, but were manageable in terms of pain level and were about ten minutes apart for the entire day. They were just annoying in that they were persistent throughout the day, without much of a change in intensity nor spacing — they were uncomfortable enough to prevent me from taking naps, and just wore me out after continuing for the entirety of the day. At around 2pm in the afternoon, I noticed that I’d lost my mucus plug (or had my “bloody show”) so I knew things were in motion and that labor was probably close, but I wasn’t holding my breath. By late that night, I was already drained and in a lot of discomfort from the never-ending contractions — they had been going on for longer than any of my other pre-labor episodes, and I wondered how I was going to get any sleep. Around 11pm, the contractions seemed to bump up a notch and became longer, more intense, and harder to breathe through. They gradually started getting closer together, and Dan had to rub my back and distract me with random conversation to help me through each one. By that time, the contractions were definitely too strong for me to be able to talk through. By around 4 in the morning (now Saturday the 25th), I was close to tears and told Dan that whether the contractions were real or not, I was in too much pain to stay home and that I wanted to go to the hospital so that they could at least give me something to take the edge off. So once again, we headed over to the hospital at dark o’clock on the snowy roads. When they checked my cervix, they found that the baby’s head was very low, but that I was only 2cm dilated. I was in disbelief that I had endured so many tiring hours of contractions and yet had managed to make so little progress in dilating. I thought that dilation would for sure happen a lot faster given that it was my second birth, but apparently not! My OB and nurses asked me what I wanted to do, and I told them that I was just extremely exhausted and in too much pain to sleep. My wishes for a drug-free natural birth were out the window at this point, and I desperately wanted something to help relieve the pain. My OB decided to keep me at the hospital, and she recommended that I get the epidural, which I agreed to. She also told me she was going to give me Pitocin to speed up the contractions and break my water in order to speed labor along. I was admitted to the labor & delivery room around 6am, and had my IV, epidural and Pitocin administered and my bag of waters broken all within the hour, while I continued to suffer through the contractions which were getting more and more difficult to bear with each passing one. The anesthesiologist had some difficulty with inserting the initial anesthetic needles into my back which made things slightly more unpleasant, but by the time the epidural kicked in, I was able to finally breathe and rest for a little while. I was so drained and sleepy, but for some reason still had trouble falling asleep because despite the fact that the epidural had numbed me from the waist down, I could feel the Pitocin doing its work and could feel the pressure from the force of the elevated contractions. When my OB came to check me an hour and a half later (around 8:30am), she looked at me with surprise and told me, “You’re all the way dilated. That was fast!” I had gone from 2cm to 10cm in less than two hours. Dan and I were in disbelief because with Mio’s birth, it took almost 24 hours for me to naturally dilate to over 5cm, and then an additional nine hours from when I got my epidural and Pitocin for me to dilate from around 6cm to 10cm. We hadn’t expected that it would be time for me to push until at least a few hours later! My OB and nurses started scurrying around, getting all their instruments ready to clean and care for the baby, and by 8:50am they started having me push. I was still really exhausted and was worried that I was too drained of energy to push the baby out, but the nurses told me that I was doing well and the OB assured me that she could already see the baby’s head. After ten short minutes of about four rounds of pushing, I saw Mirei’s head emerge, followed by her shoulders, and then the rest of her body just slid out as the doctor pulled her out at exactly 9 o’clock in the morning.
I had forgotten how tiny newborns are at birth, and I just couldn’t get over how small Mirei looked as they cleaned her up to be placed against my chest. I kept repeating, “She’s so tiny!” while my OB and nurses countered, “Actually, she looks to be a pretty solid size for a newborn… of course she will look little compared to your toddler at home!” Her skin had a more purple tone than I remember Mio having at delivery (I just remember Mio being very red, with some extra pigmented blotches from her exit), and her little hands and limbs seemed so delicate and fragile! Dan cut the umbilical cord and we took turns holding our new baby girl. Her facial features were distinctly different from Mio’s — her eyes were wide but not quite as round as Mio’s, her eyebrows had more of an arch, the bridge of her nose seemed taller and her lips more thin and delicate. (A lot of people who have seen Mirei in person and in photos since have mentioned that she looks more like Dan, whereas Mio resembles me more.) Like her sister, her fingernails were already quite long at birth, growing over her fingertips so we immediately put mittens on her so that she wouldn’t scratch herself the way Mio did on her first day of life (she still has a very faint scar from it). When the nurses took her from us to measure her, they confirmed that she was a “solid” baby at 7 lbs 14 oz and 20.5 inches tall (which is an ounce heavier and half an inch shorter than her older sister). I got to nurse her in the delivery room, and she proved herself a natural! We got to spend a little over an hour after delivery in privacy, and Dan ordered a large breakfast for us which we enjoyed with little Mirei sleeping in our arms.
While this was not my first go-around with childbirth, the wonder of seeing a living, breathing baby emerge from your own body is so breathtaking and incredible, and it’s something that I imagine you never get used to, even if you’ve witnessed and experienced it before. I was in awe all over again, to see my baby girl who I had waited so long to meet. After a particularly challenging pregnancy and the drawn out pre-labor that I had gone through this time around, it made our first meeting all the sweeter. All my fatigue and pain just seemed to melt away in those first moments of seeing and holding Mirei, and I temporarily forgot all about the misery of my drawn-out on-and-off labor from the past week. I may not have had the “I am woman, hear me roar!” drug/intervention-free natural birth experience that I had been hoping to have this time around, but I still felt such an overwhelming pride and joy for this new life that I brought into this world despite all the hurdles that had been thrown our way — I was proud of myself and of baby Mirei for reaching what I feel is the most important goal of achieving a safe delivery that produced a healthy life, and was so thankful for Dan for being such a constant and unwavering support the entire time.
Here’s a video that Dan put together out of the footage he took of Mirei at the hospital and of her homecoming during the first two days of her life:
Behind the Name
Mirei’s name is Japanese, using the kanji (or Chinese characters) 美玲. The first character 美 (mi) means “beauty” and is the same character as the “mi” in the first part of Mio’s name. The second character is 玲 (rei) is a little more complex in the multiple meanings and associations it can have — it can mean the clarity or brilliance of a jewel or gemstone, and it can also mean clarity in sound such as the tinkling of bells ringing through the air. In simpler terms, the letter’s meaning can be summarized to mean “bright and clear,” both in appearance and sound — very much like the meaning of the name “Claire.” The name Mirei had actually been one of our top five choices when naming our firstborn Mio, and I guess we never really forgot about it because it came back again as a strong contender when we were thinking of possible names for our second baby girl. As the name implies, she is our beautiful gem and treasure, and it is our hope that she’ll have that same beauty and clarity in her heart and mind, in her thoughts and actions throughout her life and towards those around her. We also love the sound of the name “Mirei”, and the fact that it’s relatively easy for people to pronounce. There is actually a French name which has the same pronunciation, “Mireille” (think actress Mireille Enos of World War Z fame) meaning “to admire”, so hopefully it won’t be too difficult for the Western tongue… and I’ve heard from my Korean friends that the word/name “Mirae” (also similar/identical in pronunciation) means “future” in the Korean language. We liked that the name, or at least its pronunciation, has sort of a global presence and has different but positive meanings in other languages.
As for the middle name, we wanted to give Mirei a Western name as we did with Mio, and we chose “Mirabelle,” as it’s a girls’ name that I’ve always loved. Like Mio’s middle name “Elise,” it’s a classic, beautiful name that’s been in use for hundreds of years but isn’t super trendy as it’s outside the top 100 baby names. It’s derived from the Latin word “mirabilis” and means “wonderful” or “wondrous beauty.” The name sounds delicate, feminine, and sweet, and it was an easy choice as Dan and I both loved how it sounded and thought it went well with the rest of Mirei’s name.
Thank you for everyone who had been keeping us in your thoughts and prayers and sent positive labor vibes (as one of my close friends called it, “happy labor dust!”) while we were waiting for Mirei, as well as for all the heartfelt congratulatory messages that you sent us after her arrival. We can’t wait for everyone to meet Mirei, and we’re excited about this new chapter in our lives as a family of four.
It’s been pretty cold and snowy here, and Mio’s been experiencing some major cabin fever! Snow days can be fun, but between winter break, MLK Day, and snow days, Mio’s only gotten to go to preschool 3 days so far this month and she’s been bored to death at home. She keeps saying she wants to go to school! (I wish she could go to school or have makeup days, too, since it pains us parents too to pay full tuition when over half her school days are off/cancelled…)
I’ve also been stressed out because since Friday night, I’ve been experiencing what is called prodromal labor… Also called pre-labor and misnamed as “false labor,” it begins like traditional labor but does not progress to the birth of the baby. I started having strong contractions (clearly different from Braxton Hicks) at around midnight on Friday night, which grew to be 3-5 minutes apart for 3 hours. I called my OB and just as we were about to leave for the hospital, they slowed down and got weaker, and completely fizzled out around 5am, so we stayed home and I was eventually able to fall asleep. Since then, I’ve been having irregular contractions on and off almost every day — usually in the evening or at night, though none have been as consistent or as strong as they felt that first night. It can be quite stressful because I never know when it might escalate to true labor, and is exhausting because it’s depriving me of sleep (the baby gets really active each time and moves a lot, so even when the contractions stop, her movement prevents me from falling asleep). According to what I’ve read online from women who’ve experienced prodromal labor, this can continue for days or even weeks before baby actually arrives. It’s apparently not all in vain, though — these annoying contractions supposedly condition the uterus, and prepare the cervix for dilation and effacement, and oftentimes active labor will be shorter (and hopefully easier?) as a result. I didn’t experience this at all when I was pregnant with Mio, so it’s totally new and unfamiliar. It’s just frustrating to wonder “Could this be it?!” every time the contractions start… we made sure to have the hospital bag packed and ready to go at any time, and Dan’s shoveled the driveway to be clear of snow and ice in case we do have to run over to the hospital.
Here are some photos and video of Mio recently… not very exciting, since we’ve been stuck indoors, but cute all the same. 🙂
Mio helping me top homemade pizza for dinner.
Mama’s little helper.
Here’s a video of her topping the pizza: “Okay ~ Put it ON! Bounce! Bounce!” She cracks me up.
Family lunch out over the weekend… probably one of our last before baby comes!
Mio lunging for the desserts. She couldn’t wait to dig in!
Playing dressup with auntie’s accessories.
“Ready for my close-up.”
Hope everyone is staying warm in the snowy weather!
