Today I wrap up my last week as a stay-at-home mom. I feel fortunate to have been one, and I will always look back on and cherish these three years that I was able to spend at home with my young daughters. I’m thankful that I had the opportunity to freelance, which granted me the flexibility to create and adjust my own hours so that I could spend more time with them. I will remember with fondness the slow-paced days we spent together. Cuddling and sleeping in. Long afternoons spent at the parks. The moments on the swing set when I would watch them swoop back and forth and realize that someday these afternoons will have seemed to have flown past in a blink of an eye… and I would pause mid-push to savor the experience while it lasted.
This past week, I’ve felt a sense of mourning and have cried many tears as I bring this chapter of my life to a close. It feels like I’m saying goodbye to my girls, even though I’ll still see them every day, but just for much less hours. But I made the decision to go back into the workforce full-time for my career, sanity, and better financial security as a family. I’m not really well-suited to be a stay-at-home-parent, and while I probably realized that a long time ago, it took me a few years to be able to admit it and be at peace with it. I so wanted to be the super SAHM that could fill their kids’ days with fun activities, playdates, learning and lessons, and be able to relish and love every second of it. I certainly made the effort, and there were plenty of times that I loved being able to spend so much time with them and watch them grow. But there have always been worries and doubts plaguing the back of my head, as well as a longing to have more time to focus and dedicate to myself and career. Perhaps someday, I will be able to find a better balance so that I can still enjoy more time with our daughters as they grow, but for now I will hope they get a lot of social interaction at their daycare and make more of an effort to be present, patient, and appreciative of the time I spend with them on the evenings and on weekends. They grow up so fast and time passes by so quickly, whether I am at home with them or working, so I just have to do my best to cherish every minute.
I’ll close this week with some photos and videos I took of the girls when I took them to the park this week…
On the swingset at Borge Street Park:
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Mulch-loving Mirei!
Mirei climbing the playground:
I’m experiencing the gamut of mixed emotions right now, but I’m excited to start my new job on Monday and am hoping for a smooth transition for all of us.
My maternity leave comes to an end tomorrow as I go back to work for the first time since giving birth to Mio. I definitely have mixed feelings. Of course, I can’t help but have some reservations about leaving Mio to go work, after spending virtually every moment of the past three and half months with her. I already know I’ll experience some separation anxiety and constantly wonder how she’s doing while I’m at the office. I feel sad and guilty that I will likely miss some moments in her development and growth. At the same time, though, a part of me is relieved to be going back to work. During the past few weeks, I’ve found myself craving some more human interaction with grown adults, with people who can actual talk when I speak to them. I love Mio and cherish the time I spend with her, but there are definitely moments as a new parent when I feel overwhelmed with stress as well as feelings of exasperation and frustration. Every parent feels suffocated at some point. My cousin once told me that it’s important to have some time away once in a while, since it will make you appreciate your children more and your love for them will grow. I think that for myself personally, having part of my pre-Mio life back will give me balance and a sense of normalcy which will help keep me sane. As rewarding as the experience of motherhood is, I want to continue to pursue my passion that I’ve worked so hard for. I want Mio to grow up to follow her dreams and know that as a woman, you can have both a beautiful family life and the career you dreamed of. What better way to show her than by example? I’m very goal-oriented and feel that I’ll always need to work in some capacity — whether it’s in an office for a company or at home as a freelancer — to feel fulfilled. I don’t consider this selfish, and I think that I’ll function better as a mother for Mio. A happy mommy is a better mommy.
